Now we are cooking.

Welcome,

Last night I said I would teach you how to cook a lovely meal. A sentence I regretted from the moment I pressed the publish button.

Here goes.

1) Get up off of sofa.

2) Walk to oven and switch it on,. You know how to walk, right?

3) Walk to and open freezer, open drawers to find chips* and chicken nuggets*.

4) Take items out of freezer, read cooking temperature and times. Place on the side, adjust oven accordingly.

5) Open cupboard and find a baking tray. Place this on the side too.

6) Place a generous amount of chips evenly over baking tray. Return chips to freezer.

7) Place a minimum of 6 chicken nuggets on baking tray. Place bag back in freezer

8) Place tray on desired shelf.

9) Close door

10) Walk back to sofa.

11) Halfway through cooking time walk to oven, take tray out using oven mitts.

12) Turn each chip and nugget over.

13) Put back in oven.

14) Walk to sofa.

15) 4 minutes before finish time open a can of Tesco's baked beans*. (or Heinz, if you're rich.)

16) Place in microwavable bowl.

17) Place in microwave for 1 minute. (depending on microwave wattage output, you may need longer)

18) Wait for beep, take out and stir.

19) Put back in for a further minute. (again refer to microwave wattage output instructions)

20) Check chips and chicken nuggets for crispiness, chips should be crispy on the outside but light and fluffy in the middle. Nuggets should be crispy on the outside and chicken in the middle.

21) Place a plate on the side.

22) Put chips and chicken nuggets on the plate, when they are cooked to your liking.

23) Take beans from microwave, stir them and then pour them on the plate. (Make sure they have their own part of the plate, more classy.)

24) Get knife and fork, and any condiments you may desire.

25) Walk to sofa or table, wherever you're most comfortable.

26) Eat.

And there you have it. Chicken nuggets, chips and beans. A lovely meal.

Or just watch your partner.

Whatever's best for you.

Goodnight.

Gary.

Comments:

*If these classic foods are not in your freezer and cupboard. You can f... off.

Hair today, gone tomorrow.

Hello,

I've grown my own nostril hair for quite a number of years now. I really don't know when it started to grow? But it does. I have a little ear and nose hair trimmer that I use. I had to get it because I was finding stray ear hairs that seemed to be about an inch long when I pulled them. It has a little light on it so that you can see the offending hair. This would be a brilliant bit of kit if you could pop your eyeball out and look in to your own ear.

There is no point in trying to shine it up your nostril as the trimmer has to fit up it anyway, so you can't see anything. Luckily my nostril always has one hair sticking out, so it is easy to see that hair. It tickles, and I don't like the tickly feeling in my nostrils. I'm the same with lips too. If you lightly touch your lip it really tickles which makes me feel angry, not want to laugh.

I have leg hair also, but as of yet I have not trimmed them.

Runners do, apparently it makes you go faster? or at least that what a guy with no leg hair told me when I noticed his hairless legs.

Back, crack and sack waxing.

Why?

I understand the back, no-one wants to sleep with a Wookie.

But is it not painful? And if they do it in that order I don't think I could go through with it.

Not if the back hurt!

Why do we want a hairless bum anyway?

And who does it?

Knowing my luck it would be a fella.

'Cillit Bang' that advert annoys me. I think its 'Barry Scott' that annoys me, more than the actual advert does to be honest. Sliding out of a tunnel and shouting his gob off. If I am near the remote when he comes on I change channel. 'BANG' and the twit is gone!

Clever play on words there, with his own slogan.

If anyone in advertising is reading? That is just a fraction of the kind of stuff I can come up with.

Why is it that when you hear a song on the radio that really annoys you, you'll find yourself singing it? How do you even know the words to it?

Katy Perry, 'I Kissed A Girl'

Every time I hear it I will sing along? I hate it!!!

We need a cable tidy, but we also need a lottery win. I will wait and see which comes first.

Wireless is amazing. It does everything a wired connection can do, but it needs no wire.

Its like an invisible cable.

If you were invisible, could you see yourself?

I would freak out if I couldn't see my hand or whatever, it would ruin the whole invisibility power for me.

Is a rhinoceros a cross between an elephant and a unicorn?

My friend took his Alsatian (dog) to the vets recently. The vet picked up the dog and had a really good look at him.

"Sorry Mr Jones, I'm going to have to put him down now" said the vet.

"Oh god, is he that ill? is he terminal?" my friend asked distraughtly.

"No, he is really heavy." replied the vet.

Boom, Boom.

I miss Basil Brush.

Sooty, Sweep and Sue all sound different these days.

I preferred Rainbow, when they used to happily play with their 'Twangers and Balls'.

Right, I have wasted enough of our lives' for another night.

Come back tomorrow, when I will be teaching you how to cook a lovely dinner.

Goodnight everyone.

Gary.

Have you ever wondered how to get comments on your blog?

Hello,

I'm eating some biscuits. I have some 'custard creams' and also some 'nice' biscuits, which are nice. Its not often that you can call something nice and find out that it really is nice.

I'm trying to think of an example as I dunk my custard cream in my coffee.

But I can't?

Have you ever wondered how to get comments on your blog?

Me too.

I'm sort of watching 'Storage Hunters' as I type this. 'T Money' is not in it, I miss him. The main characters just bought a storage unit that had a time capsule in it. I would be annoyed if it was my time capsule. But it wasn't mine, so I'm ok.

I love it when they say,

"I can get $350 for that and $200 for this."

Its all guess work, brilliant.

I could go around doing that.

Now they have bought a load of bags for $1050.

Hold on, I jumped the gun. Amazingly the last two bags had a Kite in them. Well done.

I was worried that they were going to lose out with that lock-up of dirty sports bags, in fact, I may very well go through the lockers at the local gym later in the week on the back of their great earner.

I have eaten around 20 biscuits now. But I ran out of coffee, so ate them dry.

Oh how lovely, they have just landed a Fire Truck. And estimate their profit to be $28000.

Amazing, and I can't interest the public in a 92000 word Novel for £1!!

I walked past somebody today.

Cupboards are perfect for storing things in.

Unless it is a bike, then you are better off with a shed or a garage for storing it in.

Just make sure 'Storage Hunters' are not in town first.

My eyes seem to move around a lot, faster than I can turn my head sometimes.

I just coughed.

I wear pants, not Y fronts.

There is a woman on the TV right now, and she is sporting the most amazing bowl haircut that I have ever seen. and she has pigtails too!

And now it has gone to a bloke who has the largest spam head in the world!!

Its NCIS, don't they have a budget or something?

Has anyone been watching Bates Motel? I wanted to, but forgot about it. I've not seen any. Is it worth checking out?

We still have a few episodes of Dexter to watch, but have been to busy to get round to it.

The clock in the kitchen ticks loudly. Once you hear it, it seems to get louder.

You can never turn your ears off.

If you don't like the look of something, your eyes close.

But your ears just keep listening to everything.

If you cover them up to stop hearing noise, you then hear noises from inside your own body.

Anyway, I don't even know what I have written now.

Goodnight,

Gary.

P.S: I'm saying goodnight to you, not myself.