I'm late for everything.

Hello,

If you are having this read to you mum, by your servant?

Happy Mothers day, love you.

I apologise for it being late, but we had to take Alanna to the Doctors last night as she came out in a rash, we were there until gone midnight. But she loved it and was running around in the waiting room grabbing everything in sight, laughing, talking and just being the total opposite to how we had described her to the paramedics on the phone. Which was nice of her.

Anyway, she is on antibiotics and will hopefully be back to her normal self in a few days time.

I saw two birds fighting in a garden today.

It reminded me of the time that a seagull attacked me while I was working on a roof down in Hastings, it was a flat roof with a parapet wall around it, I was working away, minding my own business, when I realised I could hear the chirping of chicks.

I got up and moved nearer to the sound, peered over the wall to the next roof and saw some tiny seagull chicks, they were quite sweet to be honest, I remember thinking how could these sweet little things end up becoming those horrible, screaming, chip thieving, menaces that give us a headache after 4 minutes of being at the coast?

After I had gotten bored of looking at them, because they all looked the same and were beginning to irritate me with their chirping, I turned around to go back to work, when I came face to face with the biggest seagull I have ever seen. It was standing on a disused chimney stack, that placed it perfectly at my own head height.

So there we are, looking at each other, no-one wanting to look away.

I thought it would be an easy stare out to be honest, its only a bird for goodness sake!

Wrong!

It starts pacing left and right on this chimney stack, like 'Mike Tyson' used to prowl the ring in the 80's. Never taking its eyes of me, nodding its beak at me and getting vocal.

I tried to walk around the chimney, it screamed at me so loudly that I backed away.

Well that allowed it to get brave didn't it. Next thing I know it is airborne, right in my face, flapping its wings at me, which must have been over 2 feet in span, screaming and screeching at me as it flapped like it was insane, its eyes wanted my blood!

One worry I had as it backed me in to the corner of the roof, was that it would peck my eyeballs out.

I was trapped now, sat on my bum, wedged in the corner, as it flapped so close to my head, that I could feel the gusts of wind that this powerful creature was creating, blowing in my face and hair. In a minute its going to hit my face with its wings, I thought to myself loudly, as I could not hear anything over the screaming.

At this point I kind of accepted my fate, it is going to get my eyes. I kept looking at it, I wanted to look around really, see as much as I could, take it all in. But the seagull was less than ten centimetres away from my face, so I had to look at that. Bit annoying really.

Suddenly, it went absolutely mental at me, I didn't have time to think, I just watched from my corner as the seagull flapped and flapped and screeched with such rage and anger at me, that it did a massive poo.

That's something that I have never seen on the 'Angry Birds' app.

It then flew over to the other side of the wall, where its chicks were still chirping.

It was a Mother protecting her babies.

I don't think it was even Mothers day?

But neither is today.

I don't know if I have a point in any of that?

If I do have, then please let me know what it was.

Right, it is late now, and I have not had a lot of sleep.

Tomorrow I might talk about the time that I got myself locked in the toilet at work, and was in there for an hour before anyone noticed I was missing!

But there is not much more to that story, so I may not.

Goodnight all.

Gary.

Tesco's baked beans are baked beans too.

Hello,

I don't know about any of you, but I am tired. It is an effort to think, let alone type out a blog/diary of horse shit.

Its to early for a Mothers day blog isn't it? That means I will have to do that one another day. I am trying to think of stuff to say as I type this, it is a struggle.

I had some nice sausages tonight, they were so nice that I ate them too fast to be honest, but I did mix them in with mashed potato and baked beans. Not Heinz baked beans though, they were Tesco's own brand. I like baked beans a lot, so I was surprised to find that Tesco's own cheaper ones tasted absolutely fine, and as a bonus you probably save enough money over a month to buy an extra tin of Heinz baked beans on your next months shop, as a special treat.

I also have found that I like an ungodly amount of pepper on everything, even if it has pepper on it already. I like be in charge of my destiny, this is probably why I don't have pancakes on shrove Tuesday?

My little girl is poorly, her face was covered in snot all day.

Its Friday tomorrow, but I don't care because I will be working Saturday too.

I don't think that I can grow a beard.

I walked into a hanging birdhouse today, it hurt, it was metal, and I thought to myself that my little girl hits her head all the time but doesn't make a fuss, so I hid the pain.

Tyra Banks is on, how many models do we need?

The coasters have got our faces on them.

And we only have one toilet roll left, we live on the edge like that in this house.

The radiator is covered in socks, its making me look at them.

I really fancy some chocolate, but we haven't got any. So I will have to have so chocolate chip cookies, which are also Tesco's own brand and cost about 14p or something like that. They taste and look the same as Maryland cookies, as long as you take them out of the wrapper no-one will know the difference.

Anyway I digress as usual.

For Mothers Day weekend the book is priced at £1.02. I know its a funny figure, but it is all to do with Amazon.com US dollars and UK pounds.

Why don't you curl up with The Uglies over the weekend?

Thanks for letting me waste a few minutes of your lives.

Don't forget to check back for my Mothers Day blog!!

Thanks,
Gary.

The little Monkey loves to pop a finger up there.

Hello.

As the weather was nice yesterday morning we decided to go to Drucillas, which is apparently a zoo? Its not, its a rip off to be honest. £31 to get in! The only saving grace to walking in there was the time of day we went, which was luckily lunchtime, at the bargain price of £18! The food was burger and chips and to be fair there was quite a lot of it, Sheree managed two bites of her veggie burger and 8 chips before being full up and bloated. Me on the other hand ate all of mine and I was enjoying my daughter Alanna's chicken nuggets until someone shut the box.

So after dinner we walked around the zoo, we had walked past a few little monkeys on the way to the café and Alanna had gone crazy at them "Whoozat Whoozat?" so I was quite excited at the prospect of her seeing the rest of the animals, because I was sick of the little monkeys. Some of them had stupid faces that seemed to hang off of their heads, they just looked weird and it annoyed me. Also they put their fingers up their own bottoms, and the bottom of any other monkey that is nearby. At least go in your little cubby hole and do it, or up a tree!!

Anyway we start walking and it suddenly poured down with rain and hale stones! It stopped long enough for me to run on this ridiculous bit of tarmac that has a speed camera on it. It has around 5 different speeds of animals on a board and you have to try to beat them.
The list was something like:

1) Long eared Rabbit
2) Warthog
3) Human
4) Little Monkey
5) Nellyphant*        

*That is how Sheree says an Elephant?

I ran faster than a human, what a load of Horse shit. 
Anyway, Alanna cried, because she was sick of the place. We looked at the Lemurs which she liked because I had to carry her, personally I think they have fat arses.

Then it rained again.

Then it snowed.

Then Alanna made us go home.

£50 for under two hours.

Probably go again in the summer.

I did an interview for another author a few days ago, you should go take a look at it.

I will know if you haven't.

http://www.megancyrulewski.com/1/post/2014/03/authors-supporting-authors-gary-peeling.html

If you like it, share it with the world for me.

Thanks for reading, I'm not awake tonight and apologise for the useless blog.

Goodnight.

Gary

Hello,

I'm going to start todays blog with a little moan. I was driving earlier, that's not someone called earlier by the way, or else I would have said I was driving 'earlier' earlier! Anyway, I was driving earlier on today when I realised I was very close to wetting my pants. I don't know how long I had wanted to go before that because it just kind of happened. As luck would have it there was a big petrol/gas station just up the road from me, I couldn't drive in there quick enough, believe me.

I walk in absolutely bursting to go, the loo was locked and I didn't have any cash on me which meant that I had to wander aimlessly around the empty shop as if I was looking for something! It felt like an age before the door opened up and a big lump of a man squeezed through the door. He looks pleased with himself I thought, Well I walked in and instantly knew why, the smell was that bad that I felt like my eyes and nose were bleeding! In fact I thought that my face was melting, like that guy at the end of 'Raiders of The Lost Ark'

'What a time for my wee not to want to come out' I said to myself as I began to panic that I would be found in there the next day. I looked around as I was trying to go and saw that he was very carefree with the wads of toilet roll too, they were all over the floor. I was probably in there less than a minute
which was fine by me, I open the door only to be greeted by the faces of two old ladies who were waiting to use the loo themselves, hopefully not together I will add to that. I actually saw the colour drain from their faces as the smell hit them, if looks could kill I can assure you that you would not be reading this blog. I wanted to say

"Sorry about the smell."

But
1) That would have been an admission of guilt, I felt? Plus I didn't want to get embroiled in the old "The one who smelt it dealt it" discussion with two old ladies who were now looking poorly.

2) They knew it smelt already, so I didn't need to bring it up.

So I just walked off feeling relieved but also guilty in case they got themselves stuck in there. But they had looked at me judgementally, so it would be karma I guess?

I did my first interview this week for our book with a nice lady called Megan Cyrulewski, I think that I may very well have broken her brain to be honest? But I did forewarn her that I was not a typical 'author' so she only has herself to blame. If she is not scared stiff at the thought of me being allowed to type now, then I would be surprised if she would want to read it again, let alone show the public! We will have to wait and see.

I know you are waiting for me to mention 'The Uglies' but I'm not going to today. I am too annoyed with the smell from earlier to worry about it.

If you are going to stink a toilet out, do it at home. I have never had to do a number 2 that badly when I am out? Especially not one that smelt so bad that I could not sit in the toilet cubicle with myself!*

* Except for the time I disappeared in 'ASDA' for fifteen minutes, but that was a one off.

Don't throw used toilet roll around in a public toilet like you are a 800lbs 'bald' Andrex puppy?

And at least come out thinner, because there is no way on earth that the smell was just someone who had 'broken wind', whatever he did in there was real!!

Enjoy your evening.

Thanks for reading.

Gary.

A typical conversation between Stephen and Kate.

"I had a brilliant dream last night Kate."

"Let me guess, you had to eat your way out of the sweet shop again?"

"No, it wasn't the sweet shop at all Kate........it was the cake shop!"

"Oh yes, I was thinking about the time you tried to make out that you ate all of the Easter eggs in your sleep and woke up with chocolate on your face!"

"I did, sleep eating is a problem for some of us Kate!"

"Its not called 'sleep eating' Stephen, it's called being a greedy guts! Anyway, what was your dream this time?"

"I dreamt that I was a superhero! I could fly and stuff Kate!"

"Hahahahaha" Kate laughs.

"What's funny about that?"

"Nothing, could you fly really fast Stephen?"

"Fast enough, interested now are we?"

"I wish you could have videoed it for me Stephen."

"It was brilliant Kate, you would have loved it."

"Did you go really high? Cos some superheroes can go into space can't they?"

"They can yes, but me, I stayed low and fast."

"You had the power of flight and you stayed low?"

"I had to Kate."

"Why?"

"I don't like heights do I!"

"Hahahahahaha, it was a dream you silly sausage."

"I kept panicking when I went up Kate, I didn't like it."

"Did you loop the loop?"

"I couldn't. I kept being reminded of the time I was sick on the 'Mary Rose' looping boat ride at 'Dreamland' as a kid!"

"Hahahahaha. Were you in your onesie?"

"Dunno? I didn't have a mirror with me."

"Did you fight any crime?"

"I took on a little gang of supervillains Kate!"

"Oh God, what happened?"

"Well, I was having a lovely fly about, minding my own business, like you do when you practice showing your skills off."

"Yeah, and?"

"Well, I was trying to do barrel rolls, you know, like a fighter jet can do. But because I was quite low I didn't see the fence until it was too late."

"Oh no, did you hurt yourself?"

"No way, I was super!"

"Hold on, if you were super powered how did you not see a fence coming?"

"Cos I was going really fast Kate. So fast it made my face skin flap around!"

"Hahahaha. Like Jeremy Clarkson when he drove the 'Atom' on Top gear?"

"Exactly like that Kate, and it made me hit the fence, but my tummy got stuck in it!"

"Hahahahaha."

"It wasn't funny! It was lucky I was there cos that is when I saw the supervillains!"

"Ooh that was lucky, what were they doing?"

"Crime stuff Kate."

"Yeah, what though?"

"Laughing and stuff!"

"Hahahaha, at you?"

"Doubtful. They just laugh don't they!"

"Who does?"

"Supervillains do Kate! They're always laughing, everyone knows that! It's a fact."

"Of course they do, I'm being silly! So did you confront them? You know, for their laughing crimes?"

"You bet I did! Once they had pulled me out of the fence, but I had to wait a while before that happened, cos like I said they were in the middle of their evil mastermind laughing ritual!"

"Must have been annoying?"

"God yeah! It was really irritating because most of the time they were looking in my direction! It wouldn't have hurt to quickly take a break and pull me out would it?"

"No Stephen, but they were villains remember."

"Supervillains Kate, and a gang of them!"

"Of course, sorry Stephen. So what happened next?"

"Well, I asked them what they thought they were doing in the park."

"In the park?"

"Sorry I meant bank, yeah definitely the bank. And that was when they turned on me! I didn't stand a chance Kate. I thought I was invincible, but somehow they knew my weakness?"

"Oh no, you mean like Superman can't go near Kriptonite, that kind of weakness?"

"Yes Kate one minute I was stood there with my hands on my hips."

"Tummy sucked in?"

"Yes Kate, only for effect though. I hadn't done that before in the dream."

"Hahahahaha. Then what happened?"

"They pulled a weapon of 'alien technology' and switched it on! I just collapsed in a heap at their feet in agony, powerless I was!"

"What was it? What was it?"

"Little mix!"

"Hahahahaha"

pause..............

"It was the kids in the park out the front wasn't it Stephen?"

"No?"

"Yes it was, Don't worry I wont let them get you!"

"Promise?"

"Yes I promise, I will not let those small children get you Stephen."

Don't joke, you haven't seen how they look at me!"

"Uh huh. Maybe Rosie will sort them out for you if they keep looking at you funny?"

"Shhhhh she will hear you Kate!"

"Don't worry Stephen, you will always be our Superhero."

"Aww, bless you both. I just hope I never have to be one for real Kate!"

"I'm sure you wont Stephen, nothing ever happens around us!"


How wrong you can be sometimes.......

The Uglies part One of The Land of The Legends

How evil began.

Papa Jack and Nana were already rich from the hauls of treasure that he had hunted for, and found for them as a younger man. But it was never enough for them. The more they had, the more they wanted. Papa Jack would eavesdrop the conversations of sailors and drunks in the local Pubs, wild tales of treasures and myths. Once he had the rough location of the haul he would go hunting, sometimes alone, and other times with Nana.

As the years passed, they both knew it had to come to an end, it was very taxing on the body, clambering around on their hands and knees inside dark, damp, smelly caves and underground tunnels.

But this was life before the 'well' and once he and Nana drank the water from it, their normal lives were over.

One day, whilst searching a location that Papa Jack had sourced from one of his usual haunts, they found three caves opposite the most beautiful waterfall that they had ever seen. They stood and watched in awe as the water seemed to bubble and froth while cascading down the jagged, grey, rocky, cliff face, and plunge into a big pool that was full to the brim, but never overflowing. When they looked into the pool, the water was greenest of green colour that their minds could have possibly imagined.

Unfortunately, they were here on business, so they began to search the dark caves with their lanterns, for anything of any worth.

All they found in the first two caves were wet feet, from dirty, stagnant puddles of water, and cobwebs from the spiders that lived happily in the environment. Maybe they found the sound of the waterfall calming?

Whilst hunting cave three with their lanterns that dimly lit this dark, wet, smelly cave, as the orange and red flames flickered their shadows on the damp, cave walls they could see that the cave seemed to go deeper in, and so did they. Slowly, the sound of the waterfall began to fade out, but instead of a nice quiet sound Papa Jack and Nana's ears were greeted by scary, raspy, shrieking voices, and screams of laughter.

They had to know who it was, so they crept along, following the voices.

The closer that they got the more hideous the voices became, screeching, rasping and evil cackling started to deafen them. And then they saw two figures.

They looked like little old men, but their heads were slightly to large for their bodies. their ears were pointed,  but stuck outwards at the tip, their skin was pine green in colour, they had thin bony arms and hands with long talon like fingers and skinny legs. Their disgusting, twisted faces had a long, thin nose that hooked down at the end. This showed off their sharp, beady, evil eyes and a long slit mouth that went from ear to ear, full of razor sharp, piranha type teeth which hid a horrible long, thin, black tongue that forked at the end.

They were eating the body of something or someone. Tearing through the flesh like it was a thin piece of ham before crunching through the bones and laughing, only stopping to turn and pull evil, twisted faces at one another, which made them laugh more.

Suddenly they stopped, and began sniffing the damp air with their hooked noses. Papa Jack and Nana knew they needed to leave, and fast.

But they were too slow.

The little men were in front of them before they could turn, they are very fast.

Papa Jack and Nana begged for their lives as these evil, pine green coloured 'things' pinned them to the cold, damp, hard cave floor and started to sniff them before pulling their evil, twisted faces at them and laughing.

Luckily, they had just eaten.

Nana told them that they were only looking for treasures, nothing else. They had meant these little men no harm.

After some whispering and cackling between the two of them, the evil, twisted faced little men made them a deal.

One produced a small, glass bottle of clear liquid in his long, pine green, talon like fingers, he let them both have a very small sip each.

Whatever was in there made them feel incredible, after just a tiny sip 'imagine how you would feel after the whole bottle' Papa Jack thought to himself.

The evil faced little men told them that they would be given as much as they needed, and all it would cost them in return was one human baby each year, but it had to be under the age of two.

If they found and killed an elusive 'Beast' for them, well, they could then pass through this cave freely, and not only fill their own bottles from the 'well' that the liquid came from but explore the land that it situates in.

There was not even a pause before Papa Jack and Nana agreed the terms.

So they began to find and be-friend families with young babies, but they couldn't just snatch them, it would be too obvious.

Instead, they would kill the parents.

And give the babies away.

So their reward would continue.

But they wanted more, they wanted to see the 'well' and the land that it belonged to.

So they hunted the 'Beast' in their spare time, and one day, they would find and kill it.

After all, killing was second nature to them now.

Well it would be, because this has been going on for years and years...........and years!

But if they can go to explore this place, doesn't it stand to reason that it would work both ways?

You can find out in

The Uglies Part One of The Land of The Legends


Thanks for reading,

Gary

Are 'Trolls' actually 'Google' rebelling against the Human race?

This is a question that I wrestle with day in and day out. We have all seen them posting things on social media at some point or other, admittedly a few seem to type with their feet, but others seem to make intelligent, albeit rude suggestions.

Now I don't know about you guys, but when I want to know some 'clever' stuff I ask Google. Sometimes its not even 'clever' stuff that I need to know but I still use Google, because it knows everything in the world. And I wonder if it has got sick of us asking questions? I get questioned everyday at home, at work, in shops, in the street and especially by my 16 month old daughter who can only say "WHOOZAT?" and by the end of the day I'm sick of being questioned!

Google doesn't get a break does it?

"What's the square root of 4325522445?"

"Where did I park my car?"

"Are Flumps real?"

"Who sung the 'Shake and Vac' song, in the advert?"

"Why does Iggle Piggle sleep in a boat, in the middle of the sea?

Are things that people ask Google I imagine, and that's 24 hours a day! So maybe now it has found a way of getting its own back by now asking us profound questions on a post like

"Why don't you f*** off" Is a popular one I have seen before.

And I have seen it use the 'C' word on many occasions, or call people fat and ugly! Losers, illiterate, and some of the sexual references it makes to women are just plain bold, but if you don't ask you don't get and Google knows that, because it knows everything. This is how it can go from topic to topic, leaving an intelligent, but nasty opinion on the subject it makes its comment on.

It is probably responsible for nasty E-mails too.

And viruses.

Maybe hackers who claim innocence are people that Google has set up, because the person cottoned on to Google too?

Google has started playing games with me too now, it has decided to have around 50 individuals with the same name as me? It was funny at first, but now even I'm not sure which one of them I am! All of them are doing much better than myself. And Google has done that to mess with my mind, its a clever way of telling me I am sh*t at being myself. Now that is a clever 'Troll' isn't it, its got that cocky now, that it doesn't even need to be abusive. In fact, maybe Google is responsible for my parking tickets and those automated bills that we all get at some point!!

Its a worry to be honest, technology is so advanced that its insulting and mocking us. Man invented Trolls in mythology, man invented computers, human minds filled Google with knowledge, Google becomes a Troll. It makes me wonder what other things man has laid claim to that may come true? Godzilla? King Kong? Hippo's?

I digress.........back to Trolls I'm glad that you brought them up, at some point in my book  'The Uglies' Part One of 'The land of The Legends' and they are not very nice in that either!

Its on a kindle countdown until the 13/3/2014 you should check it out.

You will not regret it.

I imagine Google is actually watching me type this right now and will crash my laptop before I can publish it, to keep this secret from the world.

So I better go now.

Thanks for stopping by.

Gary.