Hello,

I'm going to start todays blog with a little moan. I was driving earlier, that's not someone called earlier by the way, or else I would have said I was driving 'earlier' earlier! Anyway, I was driving earlier on today when I realised I was very close to wetting my pants. I don't know how long I had wanted to go before that because it just kind of happened. As luck would have it there was a big petrol/gas station just up the road from me, I couldn't drive in there quick enough, believe me.

I walk in absolutely bursting to go, the loo was locked and I didn't have any cash on me which meant that I had to wander aimlessly around the empty shop as if I was looking for something! It felt like an age before the door opened up and a big lump of a man squeezed through the door. He looks pleased with himself I thought, Well I walked in and instantly knew why, the smell was that bad that I felt like my eyes and nose were bleeding! In fact I thought that my face was melting, like that guy at the end of 'Raiders of The Lost Ark'

'What a time for my wee not to want to come out' I said to myself as I began to panic that I would be found in there the next day. I looked around as I was trying to go and saw that he was very carefree with the wads of toilet roll too, they were all over the floor. I was probably in there less than a minute
which was fine by me, I open the door only to be greeted by the faces of two old ladies who were waiting to use the loo themselves, hopefully not together I will add to that. I actually saw the colour drain from their faces as the smell hit them, if looks could kill I can assure you that you would not be reading this blog. I wanted to say

"Sorry about the smell."

But
1) That would have been an admission of guilt, I felt? Plus I didn't want to get embroiled in the old "The one who smelt it dealt it" discussion with two old ladies who were now looking poorly.

2) They knew it smelt already, so I didn't need to bring it up.

So I just walked off feeling relieved but also guilty in case they got themselves stuck in there. But they had looked at me judgementally, so it would be karma I guess?

I did my first interview this week for our book with a nice lady called Megan Cyrulewski, I think that I may very well have broken her brain to be honest? But I did forewarn her that I was not a typical 'author' so she only has herself to blame. If she is not scared stiff at the thought of me being allowed to type now, then I would be surprised if she would want to read it again, let alone show the public! We will have to wait and see.

I know you are waiting for me to mention 'The Uglies' but I'm not going to today. I am too annoyed with the smell from earlier to worry about it.

If you are going to stink a toilet out, do it at home. I have never had to do a number 2 that badly when I am out? Especially not one that smelt so bad that I could not sit in the toilet cubicle with myself!*

* Except for the time I disappeared in 'ASDA' for fifteen minutes, but that was a one off.

Don't throw used toilet roll around in a public toilet like you are a 800lbs 'bald' Andrex puppy?

And at least come out thinner, because there is no way on earth that the smell was just someone who had 'broken wind', whatever he did in there was real!!

Enjoy your evening.

Thanks for reading.

Gary.